WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
