oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
