i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
