I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
