you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am naked and annoyed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
