JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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