We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
