he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Man, jail baloney is awful.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
