My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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