I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
