It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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