mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
