i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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