I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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