so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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