I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
please come you make the beer taste better
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
