Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
