Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
