My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
