is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
