I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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