Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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