I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
