if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
