New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They have beer where we have blood.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
