So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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