the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
