Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
