you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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