How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
