this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
