he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
