got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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