I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
