i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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