I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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