sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
