Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
