I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
