I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
