I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
