he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
