Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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