I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
