There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
