I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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