remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize