Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
