the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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