Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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