I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
