I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
