Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
