My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
