I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
