If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
