All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize